Thanks...

I just wanted  to follow up and say thank you for the posts and emails.  I know that I will love the baby once it gets here.  She is a smart girl and I pray that she receives the wisdom she needs to continue to move her and her child's life in the right direction.  It was not my intention to sound like I was whining about not getting my way or being able to do what I wanted to do in regards to adoption.  I know that whatever happens will happen in God's time, not mine. I have to accept that and practice patience.  It's just SO hard...  Anyway, I'm out of town for business this week.  This is the first time I've left Zeri for more than one night since he's been home, a year and a half now...  My mom is staying with them to make sure that everything is under control.  The oldest 2 could be in charge &  left to take care of the littles, but they constantly fight now, and that's no good for the boys. I get home tomorrow night, can't wait! Miss everyone, and miss sleeping in my own bed! 

Dealing with disappointment...

I have been so looking forward to dipping my toe into the adoption pool again - it was my dream to bring home a little girl. I was happily in the research stage going about my business. That’s when reality comes and smacks me really hard in the face, bringing me crashing back down to earth. So it seems that I am going to be a grandmother. Yes, I know, I am only 39, but I too had my kids young and my second oldest is 18 and pregnant… She told me the news about 3 months ago and I have been devastated ever since. Hopes & dreams, hers and mine, completely dashed and/or put on hold. She is not married, and I do not advocate for her to get married just because she’s having a baby. Two rights do NOT make a wrong and it’s not in her best interest at this time. She finally got a part-time job and she will enroll in the junior college by the house for classes in the fall. She will have to maintain 15 credit hours to stay on my insurance, in addition to working. She’s on the same path I travelled, and it’s definitely not an easy one. She will be living at home for now, she needs to finish school & get on her feet. At this point, I don’t feel that I can move forward with my dream, there’s too much that will be going on in the next few months. I try to keep telling myself that the dream is just shelved for now. That it’s not put away into a box, locked up, not to be opened again. But as the time ticks away I feel the opportunity slipping away as well. Restrictions on singles are changing all the time, in many countries, and not in favor of single adoptions. It’s hard to sit by and watch everyone else going through the process when I know that’s exactly where I want to be – right in the process. Most everyone that adopted at the same time as I have all gone back for their second round  of kiddos…. It’s hard to also sit by and watch my daughter go through what she’s going through and know what she will go through. It’s hard to sit through and listen to all the family drama this has created. Some of it I do not know how to deal with. So, I find myself depressed at times and having a hard time pulling myself out of the pit. I just have to remember that I can’t let myself slide down into that pit, or it will suck me in for sure.